Yearly Archives: 2009

PHP RSS Feed

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Posted by admin on December 11, 2009 – 4:33 PM
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I got sick of looking at shit pieces of code that either didn’t work properly, or produced XML so badly formatted you couldn’t read the raw source to debug it, so I decided to write my own, based on the BBC’s RSS source.

<?php
/*
 * @abstract   PHP script to correctly generate an RSS feed
 * @author     Jon Thompson
 * @version    0.1
 * @since      11 Dec 2009
 *
 * Requires an SQL table with the following fields to read:
 * - title
 * - link
 * - description
 * - thumbnail
 *
 * Will generate an on-the fly RSS feed from database-driven content.
 * For best results, amend the following and add to your pages in the <head></head> section:
 *
 * <link rel="alternate" type="application/rss+xml" title="RSS" href="http://www.yoursite.com/link/to/this/script/rss.php" />
 *
 */

//***** Database login details *****
$db_server       = "localhost";
$db_database     = "database";
$db_username     = "username";
$db_password     = "password";

//***** RSS feed details *****
$rss_title       = "Your title here";
$rss_link        = "URL to web page that displays these items";
$rss_description = "An overall description of your feed";
$rss_language    = "en-gb";
$rss_copyright   = "Your copyright notice";
$rss_docs        = "URL to a page explaining distribution and use of these articles";

//***** SQL query to generate list *****
$sql = "SELECT * FROM table limit 15";

//############################################################################################################
//# NOTHING FURTHER TO EDIT FROM THIS POINT ON                                                               #
//############################################################################################################

//***** Connect to database *****
$db = mysql_connect($db_server, $db_username, $db_password) or die("Unable to connect to MySQL server\n\n");
mysql_select_db($db_database, $db) or die("Unable to select database\n\n");

//***** Execute the SQL query *****
$result = mysql_query($sql, $db);

//***** Loop through the results to get the rest of the feed *****
if(mysql_num_rows($result)){
	while($row=mysql_fetch_assoc($result)){
		$output .= "		<item>
			<title>".htmlentities($row["title"])."</title>
			<link>".htmlentities($row["link"])."</link>
			<description>".htmlentities($row["description"])."</description>
			<media:thumbnail url=\"".htmlentities($row["thumbnail"])."\" />
		</item>
";
	}
}else{
	$output .= "		<item>
			<title>No entries</title>
			<link></link>
			<description>Sorry, there are no new entries to view</description>
			<media:thumbnail url=\"\" />
		</item>
";
}

//***** Build the entire feed from our results                                  *****
//***** This will also format it correctly so it's readble in plain text format *****
$output = "<?xml version=\"1.0\" encoding=\"ISO-8859-1\" ?>
<?xml-stylesheet title=\"XSL_formatting\" type=\"text/xsl\" href=\"/shared/bsp/xsl/rss/nolsol.xsl\"?>
<rss version=\"2.0\" xmlns:media=\"http://search.yahoo.com/mrss\">
	<channel>
		<title>$rss_title</title>
		<link>$rss_link</link>
		<description>$rss_description</description>
		<language>$rss_language</language>
		<lastBuildDate>".date("D, d M Y H:i:s T")."</lastBuildDate>
		<copyright>$rss_copyright</copyright>
		<docs>$rss_docs</docs>
		<ttl>15</ttl>
".$output."	</channel>
</rss>\n";

//***** Output the feed correctly *****
header("Content-Type: text/xml");
echo $output;
exit(0);
?>

Bwah-ha-ha-ha!

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Posted by admin on June 24, 2009 – 3:58 PM
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That brochure must have worked.

Those footballing giants Stoke and Hull are looking to be the favourites to sign Michael “committed, fit & healthy, successful” Owen.

Top class football to be had there.

WTF????

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Posted by admin on June 24, 2009 – 9:14 AM
Filed under Football
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NUFC Away Kit 2009-2010

NUFC Away Kit 2009-2010

So here’s the away kit for next season, and I can only say…

What on earth were they thinking?

It’s bad enough that we were the laughing stock of the Premiership, now we’re going to be the biggest joke in the Mickey Mouse Chanmpionship as well.

I can only think that this is Mike Ashley’s final revenge for all the stick we’ve given him about his, shall we say, unique brand of ownership.

I mean, seriously. Yellow!!!??? Powder blue was bad enough, but yellow!

Well, that’s £40 that they won’t be getting from me this year. Expect to see this monstrosity in the sales come September.

Update 25th June 2009:

Well, it didn’t even make it till September. Out a week and already being flogged off for 20% off. What a surprise – no-one wants to buy it !

More Owen Nonsense…

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Posted by admin on June 24, 2009 – 9:07 AM
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Straight from nufc.com, the only Toon site worth reading, comes the following comment about a certain Mr Owen and how loyal and faithful he is. Echoes my sentiments from the previous post to a tee…

Michael Owen comments, as reported by SkySports:

“It remains to be seen where I am going to go, there are plenty of clubs that would interest me, but we will see where that is, whether it is at home or abroad.

“There has been a lot of interest from abroad and quite a bit from home as well, but obviously the Premier League is where I feel I belong.

“I played a year out in Spain and enjoyed it at Real Madrid but that confirmed to me that I definitely prefer the Premier League, so if it was to be a good English club, that would be my preference, but I have had a lot of interest from abroad so I wouldn’t rule that out.

“I am still contracted to Newcastle for a few weeks, so that is where I am at the minute. I don’t think I am going to be re-signing at Newcastle, as one I don’t think I am going to be offered a new contract and I want to play in the Premier League or a top division somewhere else.

“I haven’t been made aware of that (interest from Hull City), it is a new one – but I have been linked with virtually every team in last few weeks.

“I will sit down but I don’t think it is fair to Newcastle at the moment. I had four enjoyable years there, and I am very sorry to leave them when they are going to be in the Championship so I wouldn’t like to talk about specific clubs who I am going to join.

“There is a lot said and written about me in last few weeks and not many nice things, but that is life!

“I have got skin thicker than 99.9 per cent of the population. I get used to it – people write you off but when I scored a goal in the World Cup at 18, people were writing me off six months later. Then I was scoring a hat-trick in Germany and winning trophies with Liverpool and then they write you off again.

“Somebody will always criticise you no matter what, so if you let that affect you, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

“Yes I prefer people to say nice things about me as it is not as if I have murdered someone, but you get more criticism as a footballer and you have to be thick skinned.”

Feel free to take your gissa job brochure, your helicopter, your equine fixation and your miserable face to anywhere daft enough to employ you. We’re already looking forward to your duet on the KC Stadium pitch with Phil Brown…

Don’t think that this criticism has anything to do with your fading talents as a footballer though – no, our beef with you remains the four years-worth of utter contempt shown to the people who bought the shirts, seats and subscriptions that funded your lavish lifestyle.

At least people like Joey Barton go through the motions of badge-kissing and patronising the punters. You couldn’t even be bothered to do that, spending your time on Tyneside with a face like a smacked arse, interspersed with brief interludes of sucking lemons.

Your skin may be thick but it’ll never be as thick as your wallet. Don’t feel bad about us though – we’d have only blown the tens of millions of pounds that went into your offshore accounts on other ungrateful pillocks.

No shame, no guts, no soul, but a bulging portfolio. Role model? my arse. You put the con in Icon.

Can’t wait to see the back of the little mercenary. Bye bye, don’t let the door hit you on the arse on the way out.

And for those wanting a laugh, here’s the sales pitch brochure here

The Circus Rolls On…

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Posted by admin on June 15, 2009 – 5:29 PM
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Had to laugh at this when I read it in the good old Currant Bun (that’s the Sun, for all you non-UK people).

It appears that Michael Owen’s management company has produced a 6 or 8 page booklet about him, and has distributed it to English Premier League clubs with a view to getting their talent signed back in the top flight.

So, what on earth would you put in a brochure like that?

For Sale: One ex-world class striker, three previous owners, free to a good home.

Owner 1: scally boy racers in the North-West of England. Nippy little runner, always on target, got you from A to B. Won a few trophies for performance over the years

Owner 2: Spanish company. Sold at huge profit, spent lots of time in garage or on the drive, watching all the other cars go by. Always looked at odds with the locals, who preferred newer, faster models

Owner 3: Trophy purchase by once-proud North-East football team. Spent nearly 3 years in the body shop being repaired. Never performed as well as used to, had a tendency to break down, usually when needed for important tasks.

Lease now up. Running costs will be halved in order to stay in the top flight

I’m not sorry to see him leaving the Toon. Quite the opposite. He’s not the player he was, ever since he was sent packing to Real Madrid to warm their bench. Since he’s been with us, it’s simply been a vanity buy, just to say “Oh look, we’ve got Michael Owen“. No goals this year, only seven goals all season, and how many games did he manage to play? 15 or so? Out of 38. Bargain.

And now his contract has expired, so he’s off on a free. All that talk over the last 2 years about how he feels he owes Newcastle and their fans something, to repay them for the faith they kept. Well, he didn’t deliver, and never looked like he was going to. And now we’re relegated, you simply can’t have Michael Owen playing in the Championship, now, can you? Oh no. Not das wunderkind, no.

Well, here’s some news for any club thinking about signing him. Want to spend £40-50k a year on a player who looks like he’s trying to break Darren Anderton’s record for time in the treatment room? Someone who can average you a goal every 5 or six games? Best of luck. I sure as hell wouldn’t want him in my team.

It’s like pantomime…. “It’s behind you, Michael!” “What is?” “Your career”

England 6 – Andorra 0

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Posted by admin on June 11, 2009 – 1:18 PM
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The England SquadSo.. the mighty English team progress yet again with another thumping of one of the minnows of Europe. Top of the table, undefeated in the group stage, talks of heading to South Africa for the World Cup Finals.

All very well and good, but what’s it worth in reality?

Here’s what Phil McNulty of the BBC had to say:

“England’s relentless march towards the 2010 World Cup in South Africa has gathered almost unstoppable momentum after a stroll to victory against Andorra at Wembley.”

Talk about hype and over-reacting!

We had goals from Rooney (4, 39), Lampard (29), Defoe (73, 76) and Crouch (81), and I wouldn’t expect anything less from players who ply their trade in what is arguably the best league in the world, filled with top-class players.

England have a joke of a group. The only team in there of note are Croatia, who caused us trouble in the Euros last time around and knocked us out at the qualifying stage. The Ukraine have only one real player of note, Andriy Shevchenko, who to be honest, isn’t that good of a player.

The rest of the countries that make up the group (Belarus, Kazakhstan and Andorra) are, to be brutal, not worth putting in a Sunday League. There’s the tried and tested response by pundits and players that there are “no easy teams at international level”.Well, sorry, but yes there are. If England didn’t beat a bunch of part-time painters and decorators from north of Spain by a good margin, then they shouldn’t be playing for England.

What needs to happen is for FIFA to take a long hard look at teams like this and, oh, let’s say, if they’re not in the top 100 in the World Rankings, then they should have to play pre-qualifying matches for all major tournaments before they can even get into the group stages.

Last night’s match, for instance, did absolutely nothing for us tactically, and definitely didn’t improve or test any levels of fitness or skill. For most of the match, our defence was camped halfway inside the Andorran half of the pitch. The 2 center-halves had nothing to do, and Robert Green got a cheer whenever he managed to get to the ball, usually when he wandered halfway into the England half to pick up a back pass. Matches like this are an absolute waste of time. Micheal Owen could have scored, even now when he’s not fully fit and probably still injured, and we all know how crap he is nowadays.

Do us a favour FIFA, and stop making us play non-sensical games like this